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listen

Hi all

Sorry, my laptop's been down for a while and couldn't blog cos of that. On my bro's laptop right now.

Well, this is exactly what happened:

weekend before: realised haven't been keeping up with the string of emails about yun's bday, called kaykey to clarify everything and promised her i'll be there, thinking that usually on sunday afternoons i'm free.

actual weekend:
fri nite: had an overnight meeting in church till 5 am on sat morn, went back to sleep, followed by church activities the whole day.
sun morn: was in church as usual, completely forgot about the party in the evening.
afternoon till evening: had planned a captain's ball tournament for sec sch kids (which i didn't tell kaykey that day cos again, i didnt recall that i had something on on sun.)
When kaykey called, i was in the middle of refereeing a match. Only saw the missed call and msg much later. Realising that I was going to disappoint everyone again, i put the matter on the back of my mind and told myself i'll call you guys after the whole tournament and explain everything.
Tournament ended, i was very tired, and i completely forgot about it, again.

sigh, so that was what happened. technically, it wasnt something last min that came up, but sth that had been planned for sometime, but due to my own blurness, i cant rem my own schedule. when i'm doing something, i forget about everything else.

chan eng is still the same, still as blur, and trying desperately to change that. in this season of my life, i've taken on a commitment (bible sch) that has maxed out my schedule, and in the midst of juggling, i've missed out on many other commitments (like you guys), and its further compounded by my blurness. and plus the year i've chosen to go to bible sch happens to be the year most of us turns 21. which makes it all the worse.

again, i admit that its my fault, and i really wanna change this character flaw of mine. however, like kaykey said on her blog, from day one my priorities are clear to everyone. that's not gonna change. but i do value my friends, and i need to learn how to treat them better.

it's a new term in smu, and i'm graduating from bible sch in two weeks. would you guys let me try again?

chan eng.charis

Well, at least there has been some response. Sorry lianne, I have no idea what happened to my tagboard.. But it seems to be working fine now though..

Just an update for Lianne, Chan Eng went totally MIA on yun's birthday even though she had called me up to tell me that she would turn up. Didn't return any calls or any of our smses. This has not been the first time, she hasn't been turning up for our gatherings even when she's the one who initiated it. It's the accumulation of many incidents that led to my post, and I find it hard to express it in words. Let's just say that Lianne, who's all the way in Australia, seems more concerned about us that she is.

Chan Eng, thank you for your response. While it has been nice to hear from you, I'm not sure what I want anymore. Its just sad to know that we have been reduced to chatting through blog posts, you know. I'm quite sure Wini was very shocked by my letter, and I don't know what yun feels about it yet. I'm just.. disappointed. I have nothing left to say.

Kay Key

so, what is that something last minute that you always have, that managed to prioritise over yun's birthday party? this something that didn't even let you have the time to drop so much as an sms or answer a call to tell us that something came up?
i'm not as calm or rational as kay key. i can only say what's on my mind. and i don't want to think 'maybe she did have an emergency... maybe she was too busy... maybe she lost her phone', because i know none of it is gonna be true when you have time to match all your friends to their south park profile but can't be bothered to type a few words of explanation. there are so many of blewky here and much more ways to reach us that nothing seems to explain the cold response. right now, i'm just full of sarcasm and anger at all the loopholes in your seemingly apologetic letter. you did not even state the reason, you claimed everything to be your irresponsibility. what is wrong? why can't you even tell us what is going on? i'm not sorry to target your faith. i just hope that such a faith has not clouded the chan eng we once knew.

_vALkYriE

Dear Blewky

I suppose it's time to stop running away from the problem and to confront it (i.e. myself) head-on. I don't think I can say anything to justify myself here, Kay Key is right, and I appreciate the honesty.

I would like to say sorry to everyone. Sorry is not enough, I know, and words mean nothing, especially if actions don't match up to words, and that is what I am guilty of, so many times.

To miss a good friend's 21st birthday party is criminal (yun will you ever forgive me?) and not to respond to your calls and smses that day is even worse. As much as I would love to hide under the cover of "Chan Eng is oh-so-busy and can't afford the time to come for a birthday celebration," that was only half the truth. The fact is that it was only that day I realized something last minute had come up (yet again), and I simply couldn't face disappointing everyone (yet again). Yup, I was being cowardly. And I knew that after that you would be angry at me, and I also couldn't face that. I was the one who made matters worse, and I'm the one who doesn't dare make up for it. Stupid.

I never meant to parade myself as being superior and more important because of "spiritual enlightenment". It is purely my own fault that I’ve committed myself to so many things and hence neglected to fulfill the promises I've made. In other words, pure irresponsibility. In fact, it is my faith that teaches me to honour my word, but in failing to uphold this, I've succeeded in discrediting not just myself but my faith as well.

I don't know if you guys would ever forgive me, or if things would ever go back to normal. I'm terribly sorry that I've caused things to sour like this. I had never meant to do this, but so what? I accept responsibility.

Sincerely yours,
Chan Eng

chan eng.charis